SO YOU'RE BROKEN UP

by: Lindsay Demchuk

Swept up in the magical bliss of a new relationship, there was the flurry of highs and lows. Butterflies scattering throughout your insides at the first time your hands met. The first time your lips met. The first time those three little words were spoken and reiterated back to you. There were highs and lows but always you would make it through. Slowly, though, and relatively inconspicuously, the pieces began to fall apart. Arguments grew. What once were small problems now grew into mountainous issues, too impossible to climb. Tempers flared, frustrations were numerous and in one pivotal moment, the decision to part ways – to bring a division between the two – comes to pass. And, at that, you two have broken up.

You’ve broken up. So… now what?

Having walked through a break up or two, observing friends and other random strangers do the same, there are some common mistakes easily made when your heart is a little more than broken and your judgment a little less than clear. The way you carry yourself from this point on is pivotal to the healing process that you have to walk through. It is not the end of the world. You can – and will – survive this. And, to help you, I offer a few sage tips I’ve picked up to make the whole post-break up recovery period just a little easier on you and those around you:

Be honest: it can suck. It can hurt really badly. It could also be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Your feelings about the relationship/break up in retrospect may also change depending on your mood, the weather, the day of the week, the color of your socks - regardless, be honest with yourself and others with what you are feeling. There is no way you’re supposed to feel.

Also, don’t act like it never happened and try to start again – you’ve come to this place for a reason. Don’t tell yourself that it wasn’t a good relationship either and deny your feelings that you did have. You started dating the person for a reason and together, you two were not compatible for whatever reasons. That. Is. Okay.

Be choosy. Confide in friends but know that not everyone needs to know everything. Avoid mutual friends as they may very well be feeling a little awkward and nervous about how to go about maintaining friendships with both of you – they should never (and I repeat, never!) have to feel as those they need to ‘choose sides’ between the two of you. Have a few trusted confidantes for when you need someone to talk with but don’t use and abuse them to the point that their eyes begin to roll back in their heads at the first glance of you approaching. It could be detrimental to the friendship. If it gets to the point where your friends start running for cover, ducking away to escape your time bomb of emotions whittling down toward the last few seconds before denotation when a whole lot of your emotions come exploding forth, leaving mass casualties in your wake – it’s probably time for you to find someone else to talk to. Counselors are easy to find and often have affordable rates. They’re paid to listen and to tell you what they think without risking the compromising of a friendship.

Be timely. Everyone operates on his or her own timelines and, as such, they may take shorter or longer periods of time to recover. However, it is necessary to be willing to choke back your emotional vomit - don’t be overly dramatic and drag the ordeal out any longer than absolutely necessary. Again, there comes a time when you need to suck it up and move forward. If it feels like it’s taking longer than it should, go talk to a professional.

Save your dignity. As satisfying as it may feel to prank call/trash talk/publicly humiliate the other individual, don’t. It’s not worth it. Actions like this do not serve to make the other person look bad. You’re the only one who looks terrible. Be smart about the situations you put yourself in, don’t cause yourself any more trouble than is already present. Maintain your dignity and don’t egg his house in the middle of the night or sign up his e-mail address to receive a plethora of newsletters from sketchy websites. Don’t follow him wherever he goes. Don’t write her countless love songs. There’s really no pretty way to say it: the people who do these things usually come across foolish and slightly (or less than slightly) pathetic. 

Respect the other party in the break up. Going along with the previous point, sure – they’re the last one you want to care about (but secretly still the first one you want to care) but that doesn’t mean they cease to be a person worthy of your respect. As much as it may kill you, try to look them in the eye and smile. Don’t glare. Be civil. That’s all it takes.

So you're broken up

In the end, it all comes down to being a little smarter about how you go about dealing with the aftermath of a break up. Break-ups can be stormy, with waves of emotions crashing about. Know, though, that the waves calm as peace settles in. It doesn’t mean that the memories will cease - be ready for them to be triggered and for feelings that may follow. Don’t, however, search them out. Don’t let yourself be consumed in them – you have far more control than you think. Don’t put yourself into situations where those feelings may be triggered – especially if it may be too difficult to handle. (For instance, don’t keep in touch with his family members if it is too difficult – cutting ties earlier may save later pain).

And finally, you never know what the future holds. It may very well be that you get back together but it is not at all healthy to live in that world for now. You are here in a time for change, a time brimming with the potential for growth and learning in all areas of your life. It’s your choice what to make of it.

If I could offer any advice, it would be to carry yourself in such a way amidst the tumult of the aftermath of a breakup so that you respect yourself, your former significant other and let the process happen. Break-ups suck. But the beauty is, they’re nowhere near the end of your world.

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