THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS
by: Lindsay Demchuk
Immediately, you were able to see it in their eyes. The words that slipped out inadvertently, in a moment of frustration, cut deeper than intended. Maybe they reacted with a harsh retort. Maybe the words were left to settle, lingering in the uncomfortable silence and avoided until later address, perhaps pent up until they explode or addressed in a more calm sense later in time.
Whatever the case, it’s uncomfortable and awkward to be the person who hurts. Being hurt is one thing but to know that your action (or inaction, for that matter) was hurtful to others.
Regardless, at some point or another, we all end up in that situation. During a recent circumstance, I was one of a number who ended up causing hurt to one in our friendship circle. The way our friend reacted to what had happened were rather violent and unsettling, completed unexpected by the rest of us. As we scrambled to confer, put together the pieces to determine what really happened and offer our sincere apologies as each person was caught completely off-guard, personal reflection has led me to contemplate what I wish this individual – and others who have been hurt, including myself – could remember in the aftermath of an event that leaves them nursing hurt.
Know that forgiveness operates best on a small scale. That is not to say that we can only forgive the little wrongs done to us and not the really big, serious ones. Instead, it means that it is best to exercise forgiveness as each wrong is done to us rather than letting the offences pile up and trying to forgive them all at once. To forgive and forget is what is best to strive for. It is not easy but it is well worth the work it takes to get there.
Forgiveness entails that you no longer hold the offence against the offender but consider them free of it. Ideally, it will come following an apology but know that this is not always the case. To forgo forgiveness allows seeds of resentment to be planted. And resentment, when it is allowed to grow, festers and rots, destroying relationships because an individual refuses to forgive. I’ve heard an illustration used that likens unforgiveness to drinking poison and anticipating the one who has offended you will die. It just doesn’t work like that. By refusing to forgive, you destroy yourself from the inside out.
But what if I don’t want to? You don’t understand what I’ve gone through – how can you say this? Those are completely valid questions. And I will never be able to fully comprehend what you have walked through. Trust me, though, when I say this, it is more difficult to forgive but creates far less damage than what pent up unforgiveness would do.
The ‘forgetting’ portion of forgiving doesn’t entail wiping out your memory. Some things you may never be able to completely forget. It is important that remembering the event is not met with resentment or the sharp pain from the event itself. With the recollection comes the reminder that forgiveness was enacted and needs to continue to mark the event. It’s a process, one that can’t always be met with a set end.
As I sit to finish writing this, I feel the sharp sting of a fresh wound and the knowledge that forgiveness needs to be both given and received. In order to even move toward that point, a discussion needs to ensue. Anticipating it to be quite difficult, we’re both avoiding the topic all together. Not a good thing to do. However, my desire to achieve some form of resolution is becoming impatient with my reluctance to address the matter.
It’s hard to find an easy way to draw a conclusion. There’s a lot of ugly involved in the process of forgiveness. There are no easy answers. But, forgiveness, it is worth it. Even it’s a hideous process trying to get to that point, it is, by all means, completely worth it.
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