ADDICTED TO SEX
by: Amy Manuel, Counsellor
Q: I can't stay in a commited relationship but I'm addicted to having sex. What's wrong with me?
A: Dear Non-Committed,
I would like to say that you are not a bad person and things aren’t ‘wrong’ with you, you are just struggling with something that is not the healthiest thing for you right now. When I read your question I immediately wonder what has been your experience as a child and into adolescences and then into adulthood with male figures in your life. Have you been in a bad relationship prior to realizing you are not able to stay in a committed relationship? Usually when we are having a disconnect with relationships and when we are noticing a ‘bouncing around’ affect it tends to stem from some prior experience. I would question what these relationships are giving you, what is it about commitment you are scared of? Have you witnessed bad relationships before, maybe your parents or someone very significant to you. Or have you been hurt by someone you were really committed to?
When we partake in any behaviour, those behaviours are of some value to us. For example, not staying committed to relationships and moving around could be giving you the opportunity to not be hurt again or for you to not be vulnerable with someone? All the behaviours we do are for some purpose and that purpose is usually something we don’t even think about; it becomes more of a habit for us.
As with being addicted to sex here are three questions you can ask yourself to see if you really are ‘addicted’.
1. Can you set limits to your partaking in sex, in other words do you have Control over this action?
2. Do you plan your days and your energy around having sex? Is there a Compulsion?
3. Are bad things happening to you as a result of you having sex, and in spite of these bad things (problems) are you still continuing to have sex. Are there Consequences?
These three questions are a simple way to check to see you have a sexual addiction, any answer ‘Yes’ leads to needing help in this area. If you answered yes I would highly suggest you seek out counselling to help you gain a further understanding and help with this ‘addiction’.
An addiction, no matter what the addiction actually is, usually happens to people because they are filling some void in their lives with a particular substance or behaviour. Some times people use alcohol for example to help ‘numb’ out emotional and physical pain. I am wondering what you feel sex is ‘numbing’ out for you? What are you getting from sex that you cannot get elsewhere? Is it ‘feeling needed’, or ‘attachment to someone’, or even feeling ‘powerful’ that attracts you to partaking in, what could be a risky behaviour.
Besides the fact that sex gives us a biological pleasure it can give us feels that we don’t get anywhere else. As women we can think that if we just ‘have sex’ the guy will be emotionally connected with us, this is not always the case. I would be asking yourself what it is that sex gives you and if there are others ways you can get these same emotions and feelings in a healthier way.
Any addiction will not be ‘cured’ or ‘stopped’ over night so it is important to allow yourself time to heal from this and to feel strong enough to say no to sex and other relationships. I can’t tell you a magical cure but I can suggest you to seek out counselling and if nothing else, really do some self-reflection and investigate why you are partaking in sexual behaviours frequently and why you are not staying committed to one person. Answering those questions is something you need to do for yourself and yourself only. All the best to you with learning more about yourself and about making a commitment to yourself first and foremost to engage in healthy activities.
--
unlock magazine
